I’m a huge fan of dark chocolate, the darker and less traditional the better. Milk chocolate is just too boring for me; banally sweet, with little distinction from one sampling to the next. By contrast the complexity of the flavor of dark chocolate rarely ceases to amaze me and I actually look forward to being surprised when what starts out as brief bitterness develops into a rich and complex new experience that I can savor well after the chocolate is gone. Yet when I am presented with some new dark chocolate I find myself walking a tightrope of having enough, yet knowing when too much will leave me feeling ill. One of the traps for me is that not all dark chocolate is the same even when they might initially look so similar. With some types I can consume much more, but with others I find myself put off much sooner. I have come to view many parts of my world as being very similar to my experience with dark chocolate, wanting the experience of being surprised and appreciative of the complexity, while not wanting to cross the line of too much nor failing to recognize which types will make me feel ill.

Much like my inner chocoholic, I find myself somewhat addicted to participating in interesting discussions with smart people, especially with those of whom I occasionally disagree. I love the surprise of finding out that there was more to their feedback than just my initial bitter reaction. And like my consumption of dark chocolate, I have found that there is a fine line between giving and getting just the right amount and the right type of disagreement, before simply feeling ill from overindulgence.

If “Snarky” were a brand of feedback, it would definitely be my choice to both give and receive. It’s an acquired taste to be sure, but like a good beer, cognac, dark roast coffee, or my friend dark chocolate, once you develop an appreciation for it, most find that there is more to appreciate from snarkyfeedback than meets the eye (or insert appropriate sense here). For those who prefer for a definition, I have excerpted the definitions for “snarky” from the Urban Dictionary and included them below.

It is my opinion that snarkiness requires a level of dedication which some are unwilling, or perhaps unable, to allocate. Effectively contributing in a snarky manner means you must have paid attention to the contribution that you are responding do, you thought about it (even briefly), and thereafter put in the effort to say something more than the obvious “no” or “you’re wrong,” etc. Consuming snarkiness equally requires some dedication to look past the initial bitterness to see if there are layers of complexity to appreciate, as you simply can’t reasonably judge a snark without first thinking a bit about it.

So where is the downside to this world made of fine dark chocolate feedback? As you might expect, there are times and places for snarky dialog, and not all snarks sit as well in the stomach. The fine line I will attempt to draw here is the difference between “fits” and “snarks.” While I note that snarks may have a tinge of bitterness in their taste, in my opinion they are not delivered with an intent to be negative or self-serving. Snarks are not merely an outburst of bile, misdirected animosity, nor an excuse to simply be abusive; rather they are a thought provoking manner of communication which demonstrates a dedication to the topic at hand and to the person with whom you are communicating. Fits, on the other hand, or their less professional cousin the temper tantrum, root themselves in venom and a goal of something other than being helpful or productive. I must say here that I find no value in fits, and little value in people who make it their habit to routinely communicate in that way.

Fit happens!(ok, fits happen). With the regularity of the phases of the moon and the orbit of the earth around the sun, we all have our bad moods and those moods give rise to the occasional fit. For those who know me well, let me state the painfully obvious that I occasionally overshoot snarky and fall into the realm of a fit. It is never my intention to indulge in this fit-ish behavior, and so when receiving the occasional venom infused fit from someone else I try to make my first thought: They probably didn’t mean it, or at least not as much as I’m reading into it.

To be sure, this blog is meant to be aspirational. It was inspired by a fit which arrived in my inbox sill dripping in venom. As they sender described later, they were clearly having a bad week. This person is not one of the jerks we all know; they were truly simply having a very bad week. What I should have done was follow my own advice and simply say, “They probably didn’t mean it, or at least not as much as I’m reading into it.” I was close, I got there after a brief fit of my own which I delivered to their manager, who was a better person than I was that day and recognized that I “probably didn’t mean it…” The take away, however, was that I came back to that email the next day with a more understanding perspective and consumed it again with a desire to taste the subtle flavors that were buried under the burnt crust. There were great points in there, some of which I used to modify our standard practice for the benefit of the team. If I had just thrown away the remarks as a fit, or the contributor as a jerk, I would have lost out on something really valuable.

So let me offer this encouragement to you. Know your real jerks, and frankly do what you can to limit their time in your life. Know that good people have fits, some of which cause you to lose some respect for them. Try not to make that a permanent loss, as we all have those bad days. Have some thickness to your skin and shake off the smattering of venom sprinkles before you dive in and consume. If that doesn’t work, try and save your response for another day. When you can, invest the time and thought into a witty snark. It’s far more satisfying than just telling someone they’re wrong, and since telling them they are wrong rarely gets your point across in any event, you might just get them to understand the valuable nuance of your point.

Look for dark chocolate. I have the pleasure of being surrounded by peers who work for me, and for whom I work, who are as snarky and complex as any I have ever met. Most have their fit laden and occasionally jerky days, but with rare exception has any permanent loss of respect occurred (at least that is my perspective). If you live a life of milk chocolate and watery light beer, let me beseech you to contribute some dark chocolate of your own. People will respond in kind (after a suitable period of shock because you were snarky for the first time), and it will have been worth your while. I look forward to reading about your experience in the rich and complex world of snarkiness.

Definitions of Snarky from the Urban Dictionary

Snarky

A witty mannerism, personality, or behavior that is a combination of sarcasm and cynicism. Usually accepted as a complimentary term. Snark is sometimes mistaken for a snotty or arrogant attitude. – Her snarky remarks had half the room on the floor laughing and the other half ready to walk out.

Adjective – Any language that contains quips or comments containing sarcastic or satirical witticisms intended as blunt irony. Usually delivered in a manner that is somewhat abrupt and out of context and intended to stun and amuse.

Origin: Snark=”snide remark”.